Some Clarification for those Who are Concerned

I put up emotions that I feel and very often feel.  I know that some are normal and some may not need to be said to the general population of the internet, but the point of my blog is to write the experiences as I have them with no sugar coating.  My book will be the same way, I do not portray people in a good light just so that people can like them and same with putting them in a bad light (I do not do it for people to dislike them).  The point of my memoir is to write it how it happened and I do know that people may become offended while reading, but this is how we become individuals.  We experience things and we learn from them, Steven and I are both learning and considering we were forced into living with each other while having a child (it is what we thought was best) has been very difficult in our circumstances.  Steven and I barely knew each other before I got pregnant and that is how it is, so our relationship has complications, just as every relationship does, and I do not plan to sugar coat my situation to the world.  I do understand that Steven has feelings and that he may or may not become offended by things I say, but we do love each other and at the root of the hardest time that is what comes into play.  

So Far, So Good

Well, today is perhaps the best day of the past week...or I guess I should state the best day beginning this week!  
I got up and called Social Services to make sure it was okay to still turn in my interum paperwork and it still be accepted...YES was the answer!  So, that was off my back!  I went back to bed and made a statement of wearing sweatpants to school so that there was no need to get up early.  Then we got out of class early (always nice) and now I am at home with my baby Noah.


Steven has run out to do my errands, of which I had planned to do myself, but he offered!  What a sweet man I have here!  Last night he brought me a mushroom and pepperoni pizza along with some cheesy bread sticks!  I am so thrilled that it is only 1pm and my all the rest of my day requires is to read 20 pages for my homework and play with my son!  I am so excited.  This is probably the best day I have had in a while.  No stress about cleaning for people coming over, no stress about not having time for  homework, no stress about any of that!  It is completely amazing!  Noah is watching Ice Age III Return of the Dinosaurs (his favorite), he seems to lose his hearing when this movie is on.  


Well, I am going to relax for now and I suppose I will make another post in a couple of hours! 

Doctor Office Mix-ups

Today I got up early to go to class, Noah had a nurse's appointment for his next round of immunizations...well, of course, there is always some sort of complication when one is trying to get stuff done.  So, my fiance takes Noah to the doctors office and once they are called back they ask him, "Do you know what shots he is getting?"  Well, actually the answer there would be "no."  Noah has been behind on his immunizations and now we are getting him all caught up...well here is where the complication came in:  Noah is now 12 months old, which leads to the matter of different immunizations being more of a priority than others.  So, the nurse says to Steven that he should come back later in the week to speak with the Doctor about which immunizations he should get next rather than staying in a particular order.  Which is completely fine, but the idea of waking Noah up to get to the appointment, dragging him around like a doll...just doesn't fit into my correlation of moral standards.


Anyway, enough said...Noah has a doctor's appointment on Wednesday now to discuss his shot schedule and such.  Wish us better luck for that appointment!

Poem by Dorothy Law Nolte

I came across this poem, and I feel it is appropriate to post!  This goes great with my judgment post.  


If a child lives with criticism,
he learns to condemn.
If a child lives with hostility,
he learns to fight.
If a child lives with fear,
he learns to be apprehensive.
If a child lives with pity,
he learns to feel sorry for himself.
If a child lives with ridicule,
he learns to be shy.
If a child lives with jealousy,
he learns what envy is.
If a child lives with shame,
he learns to feel guilty.
If a child lives with encouragement,
he learns to be confident.
If a child lives with tolerance,
he learns to be patient.
If a child lives with praise,
he learns to be appreciative.
If a child lives with acceptance,
he learns to love.
If a child lives with approval,
he learns to like himself.
If a child lives with recognition,
he learns that it is good to have a goal.
If a child lives with sharing,
he learns about generosity.
If a child lives with honesty and fairness,
he learns what truth and justice are.
If a child lives with security,
he learns to have faith in himself and in those about him.
If a child lives with friendliness,
he learns that the world is a nice place in which to live.
If you live with serenity,
your child will live with peace of mind.

With what is your child living?

- Dorothy Law Nolte

Judgement

Okay, I have gotten some feedback on the blog and so far so good.  I hope everyone understands that this is for one a release of tension for me and also it is to keep reminders of things I need or want to include in my memoir. The frustrations of daily tribulations occur, whether people want to voice them or not...I am choosing to voice them.  It is important to portray life the way it actually is rather than avoid the truth and pretend that life is perfect, and in a way, life is perfect because we learn from things on a continuous basis; whether that is death, mistakes, or love.  It all happens for a reason, whether that reason is some sort of higher being...I am unsure, nothing is definite.  I believe in science and in a higher being, but there is no need to judge someone's personal beliefs.  You live your life the way you want to and others can live their lives the way they want to.


Life is full of desire, want, and need; but sometimes we cannot have any of those things.  When I met Steven, I had a desire to be loved and wanted to feel loved, but my need (I have realized after the fact) was to work on myself as an individual.


One of my readers told me how she felt while pregnant in her twenties and she said, "The fact that we waited until after high school and were more mature, even if getting pregnant wasn't the plan.  I had people give me dirty looks when I was pregnant, I guess I looked younger than what I was, but they disrespect you.  Then there are the older people who ask questions and are sincerely friendly to you.  It was all just quite difficult to take in."  It is important to look at things like this because sometimes we do not realize that our looks and stares effect other individuals.


I remember walking around in stores, and to this day I still get this:  Say, I am walking around and Noah is a little bit cranky and then some woman says, "I think it is time for somebody's nap!" yelling, but not only yelling, she looked at me with this stern disappointment.  As if I was a young mother not knowing how to take care of a child.  It was so frustrating and not to be narcissistic, but I know for a fact that I am a far better Mother than a lot of people are. I know that I am the best Mother for my child and other people do not need to tell me how to raise my son.  There was another time, recently, I was in a store (and Noah is very shy with people he doesn't know) and this older man comes walking towards us from literally across the store.  Noah throws his head sideways trying to get away from the man getting closer to him and the man says, "Aww, looks like someone is tired."  The fact was, Noah wasn't tired, he was scared to death that some strange man was in his face.  When a baby sees a stranger and they are in someone's arms they burrow their head into them, when a baby is in a shopping cart, they try to do the same things, but people perceive that as 'a baby needs a nap.'


Now, there have been instances where I cast my judgment upon young mothers.  I was in Wal-Mart when Noah was about seven months old.  There was a very young couple (probably still in high school) and they had a baby boy (who was too young to hold his head up).  They had their baby sitting directly in the metal cart where older children usually sit (they were not using a baby seat).  The poor little baby's head was banging on the metal while he was slouched backward in the seat.  I felt awful for the baby, I couldn't imagine myself ever doing that to a child.  So, there, I allow judgment to take place on my behalf too, but I do not vocalize my frustrations, and I didn't look at them with hostility.


To judge and leave it behind is one matter.  To judge and vocalize it in the immediate stance to a stranger is an  abomination.


I will probably touch base on this more later, but for now, I must go to school and work on homework.

My Fearless Endeavor

Consequently after having sexual relations with no intended protection, one may wind up "expecting" when not expected!  Now, you may realize my unsubstantial amount of worry during the process of making my child, but in fact I did get pregnant.  These things happen more and more whether the human society would like to admit it or not.  I am normal or maybe that would just be a statistic because I really do not feel subjective to the norms.


I am accustomed to living my life in a way that from I see the majority of society doesn't do.
Although there are a percentage of statistics stating I am inferior to the populations domestic living.  I rationalize about my life on a daily basis, recognizing that I am a student mother.  Now, here is something to ponder about:  I took a creative writing course last semester, in which I started the journey on my memoir.  Okay, so in my memoir, page 21, as of now I say,


"After what seemed like an hour, they called my name.  I looked at Steven and he encouraged me to step up so that they knew I was present.  We walked back, and he held my hand.  I was shaking.  I am so scared.  I don’t like it when people judge me and these stupid people just think I am some teen mom, but actually I am a college student!  I am a competent adult not a teenager with the knowledge of an inchworm.  I can handle this situation.  Why does everyone have to think that I am some incompetent miscreant?"


Now, remember that I stated I began this journey in my creative writing course.  So, I would write and then bring it to class for people to review, critique, and give suggestions...and this girl in my class says, "I do not really see a difference between a teen mom and a college mom.  They are both in school, so it is the same situation."  Well, my dear little friend, it is not the same thing!  I will defend that statement until I die!  I didn't have a baby while I was in my teenage years, I didn't have a baby while I was in high school.  I graduated high school and I had my baby when I was twenty years old.  There is a substantial difference between the two, I am an adult, a teen mom is still a child herself.  Does any one out there agree with me on this?


Yes, I will admit, I am a young mother, but I am not by any means a teenage mother. 
Anyway, the idea of my memoir is to get across the point that people can have a child and still live their life.  It is not an easy endeavor, but I was confident in my choice to have my child and I am the happiest I have ever been.  My pride and joy lays in the core of motherhood, my child.
My fearless endeavor can be attributed to two ideas:  my choice of pro-life AND my choice to write this memoir.

Remember, this memoir is not to be a pretty portrayal of having a child in college.  It is to show the struggles that I have encountered and learned how to push through.  Which means, I am not portraying people in the best or worst lights favorably.  I am simply telling the truth, what lies between the core of what people don't get to see on the outside.  Parenthood is not easy, there are rough days (like my previous post about yesterday) and nice days (like today).

Good Day

This morning has started off well!  My fiance and I ended our evening on good terms last night...and so far today is going pretty well.  We are all awake and functioning properly today, thank goodness.  I thought I was going to lose my mind yesterday due to it!  Noah is tugging on my leg trying to see what I am doing, as he does every time I am sitting  at the computer.  He is so curious, just as any baby is I suppose.  Also, playing with the blinds and curtains seems to be a favorite for him.  He enjoys hiding behind the curtain and me tickling him through it; he just giggles so much!  


Digital Scrapbooking Photo Tinks by WiddlyTinks.com
You just have to love the moments you have with your children.  Not that it is some sort of requirement, but it is just so natural.  The love bond between a child and their mother is absolutely fascinating.  I know that it is said that a person who says, "I couldn't imagine loving another child as much as I love my first," but I am saying that right now.  Of course I am not planning another child right now, but just looking down the road...I am not sure...part of me would like to have another child, but Noah has been my savior and companion.  There were so many things in my past that were going wrong and now all I have to do is look at him and I feel amazing.  I feel important and valuable; every single action and decision I make is influential to my son.  I guess part of me had always imagined that I would eventually reach this love in my life because of the dream I had always had as a child, it was continuous and lovely.  And it all started with a doll.  This is the dream that I have been promising to tell you about...but I am going to make you keep waiting!  Possibly later in the day I will tell you!