Judgement

Okay, I have gotten some feedback on the blog and so far so good.  I hope everyone understands that this is for one a release of tension for me and also it is to keep reminders of things I need or want to include in my memoir. The frustrations of daily tribulations occur, whether people want to voice them or not...I am choosing to voice them.  It is important to portray life the way it actually is rather than avoid the truth and pretend that life is perfect, and in a way, life is perfect because we learn from things on a continuous basis; whether that is death, mistakes, or love.  It all happens for a reason, whether that reason is some sort of higher being...I am unsure, nothing is definite.  I believe in science and in a higher being, but there is no need to judge someone's personal beliefs.  You live your life the way you want to and others can live their lives the way they want to.


Life is full of desire, want, and need; but sometimes we cannot have any of those things.  When I met Steven, I had a desire to be loved and wanted to feel loved, but my need (I have realized after the fact) was to work on myself as an individual.


One of my readers told me how she felt while pregnant in her twenties and she said, "The fact that we waited until after high school and were more mature, even if getting pregnant wasn't the plan.  I had people give me dirty looks when I was pregnant, I guess I looked younger than what I was, but they disrespect you.  Then there are the older people who ask questions and are sincerely friendly to you.  It was all just quite difficult to take in."  It is important to look at things like this because sometimes we do not realize that our looks and stares effect other individuals.


I remember walking around in stores, and to this day I still get this:  Say, I am walking around and Noah is a little bit cranky and then some woman says, "I think it is time for somebody's nap!" yelling, but not only yelling, she looked at me with this stern disappointment.  As if I was a young mother not knowing how to take care of a child.  It was so frustrating and not to be narcissistic, but I know for a fact that I am a far better Mother than a lot of people are. I know that I am the best Mother for my child and other people do not need to tell me how to raise my son.  There was another time, recently, I was in a store (and Noah is very shy with people he doesn't know) and this older man comes walking towards us from literally across the store.  Noah throws his head sideways trying to get away from the man getting closer to him and the man says, "Aww, looks like someone is tired."  The fact was, Noah wasn't tired, he was scared to death that some strange man was in his face.  When a baby sees a stranger and they are in someone's arms they burrow their head into them, when a baby is in a shopping cart, they try to do the same things, but people perceive that as 'a baby needs a nap.'


Now, there have been instances where I cast my judgment upon young mothers.  I was in Wal-Mart when Noah was about seven months old.  There was a very young couple (probably still in high school) and they had a baby boy (who was too young to hold his head up).  They had their baby sitting directly in the metal cart where older children usually sit (they were not using a baby seat).  The poor little baby's head was banging on the metal while he was slouched backward in the seat.  I felt awful for the baby, I couldn't imagine myself ever doing that to a child.  So, there, I allow judgment to take place on my behalf too, but I do not vocalize my frustrations, and I didn't look at them with hostility.


To judge and leave it behind is one matter.  To judge and vocalize it in the immediate stance to a stranger is an  abomination.


I will probably touch base on this more later, but for now, I must go to school and work on homework.